Pain is the only method of growth in my life

Pain is the only method of growth in my life.Either instant pain or delayed pain.Fear and being able to tame a fear has been the other lesson. To have become a full blown alcoholic by the time I was thirty eight has become my only success.To have to attempt to grow up from say nineteen to forty five years of age has become more than a challenge. It become a means to an end.If you like the ultimate adventure living in raw reality watching the brain attempt to clear itself and become restored to sanity.Problems that should have been resolved in my teenage and early twenties.The ability to be self critical had left me allowing me to swim in a world without control, totally out of control I destroyed my life, and somewhere in that destruction became the seeds to rebuild, The blind faith in God of my insane mind forcing me not to react in the old alcoholic way,and when I did teaching me what was wrong.What an amazing miracle of life to be offered a gift of happiness and life. Recieving small ideas that unlock and show what your allergy is capable of.My desease caused my emotional problems and not vice a versersa. The drink acsentuated the emotional problems causing the trigger that sparked them into life. Genetically I must have been predisposed to becoming an alcoholic , but I needed the socialogical trigger.Now I am a changed person my cells have mutated so that I have no tolerance to alcohol, quickly turning into a hopeless alcoholic.My mind at times tends to clear . Mentally I become a different person having the unique caperbility of looking into the mind of a chronic alcoholic.But often I have to live that tortured life with its insane personality clashes and stress.Nowing the answers is no help when the desease becomes full blown.Ill health seems to spark off these feelings causing me lost days spent in the quagmire of self pity drifting aimlessly on tides of pain.